Sometimes, if I was focused I could leave and change the shape of my body if I slowed down enough. What did it feel like: It felt as if I had no nourishment in my body but I was so hungry I just could not eat and at the same time I was unable to hold on any longer and my lungs and body ached. In college my roommate had a framed greeting card that read, “Oh, my God! I left the baby on the bus!” At first I just thought this was a failure thinking I could not even teach him how to self sooth but I just could not leave him. It took me a long time to trust and love my husband surely I was going to suck at being a mother. I spent nine months so afraid I was not going to feel anything for the child I had growing inside of me. I never thought I would ever be a wife and mother. He didn’t stop crying and I did not leave him for long. My heart raced, my blood pressure soared and when I was finally alone in our guest bedroom I begged the little boy who oddly did not have a crib in our bedroom to please stop crying so I could go downstairs. They even told my husband and father of their first grandchild as they suggested we teach our infant son his place and let him cry it out while we enjoyed conversation and coffee in a white room with white leather sofas. How did it happen: When I was a small child my parents called me thumper because when I did not get my way I would throw a fit and stomp. Why am I like this! How did it happen, what did it feel like for me and what did and does it look like now?

I have read the first and second paragraph of page 11 over and over and see my self. I can jump from memory to memory of these times but with them are all the reasons they were my fault. It just seems so hard to admit that my parents routinely abandoned my calls for attention, connection or help. Words that seemed comforting a few days ago turned into fear yet I am hopeful there are tools or exercises I can learn to master or call upon when I need them.

Complex ptsd from surviving to thriving